allzheimers news-where am i at

ALZHEIMERS NEWS-WHERE AM I AT

when i go back in time and read my old blogs its like reading my diary
well this blog is my diary sort of
sometimes i like to stop and access where i am at
physically emotionally mentally 

my motto now is take one day at a time
i try to do the things each day that i enjoy doing
i try to avoid conflict in my life
you can make me mad but you really have to work hard to do that

i dont usually sweat the small stuff
much of the small stuff doesnt matters much 
mostly what matters is the family

i do worry when will the alzheimers will take off
from my reading on my situation that when it does take off it will go fast
since
i am sort of delaying the inevitable slowing things down by
all the healthy things i do 
with taking the aricept (donepezil) so early in the disease
and now taking the monthly infusions of aduhelm (aducanumab)

when this drop off the cliff will occur i dont know when
when it does it will be fast

i just know i want things to be ready when it happens

i do want to stay around longer mentally as long as i can so i can enjoy my family my grandkids as long as possible
i want to see ms b graduate from high school but being realistic i know thats probably not going to happen
even if im alive i know that statistically i wont be there mentally to realize whats going on 
so i enjoy each encounter with her each week as well as with mr hudson and mr n

i dont ever let any of this get me down
i dont feel sorry for myself or feel sad or dont cry about it all 
i just go for it everyday thinking each day could be my last

i do worry about mr hudson as he will have a lot of ups and downs in his life as he ages
i wish i would be around to be there for him when he needs support
mr hudson i want you to know that i will always be there in spirit always

mr n i really dont worry about you
you will do well
i just wish i could see you grow up

im sure all grandparents think of these things but it seems i think more about it since i know what my decline will be like and what it will be from and that it will happen fast

i have outlived siblings and parents and friends and family i didnt expect to outlive
i am thankful for the opportunity to still be here physically and cognitively

i feel better physically than i have felt in a while
sometimes it makes me wonder if i really have anything wrong
but
you know science dont lie

i know that if i could see my amyloid scans and my tau scans i could see the progress of my disease over the last 10 years and i could also predict where my next symptoms will appear based on where the disease is in my brain
if my scans were done outside of the research studies then i could see them
so
far now
in the meantime
i will have to just wonder where i am at

the memory tests i do give me an idea where i am at
subtle memory issues may also give me a hint
you become hyperacute to any memory issues like forgetting a name or misplacing things or forgetting where you put something 

is it just normal aging or is it time

the other thing i worry about is 
making that transition to long term care
i realize that i wont make that decision 
it will be left to my family 

i do try to let them know my wishes now so i can be part of the decision  making process

i do want to move on to a facility when its time
i do not want to be where i am a burden to my wife she and family emotionally and physically 
when its time move me to the next level
dont blink an eye
you can be dang sure thats what i want done

also take care of yourself first then me

so
thats where i am at
today
september 10 2021

here is
hoping i can read this and write about it in another 10 years at home on my laptop
and
if not
then
its been a good journey so far

the organicgreen doctor