i had a dream

I HAD A DREAM

this weekend i spoke for a few minutes at the opening ceremony for the santa barbara walk to end alzheimers about why i was holding the blue flower that represented those of us with alzheimers disease

yes i cried they cried we all cried
later someone said there wasnt a dry eye in the crowd
mine wasnt for sure

all week i have been thinking about alzheimers
about how i was diagnosed
how i am doing
about my mom and younger brother and their battle with the disease
how those who were caregivers had to deal with them as they worsened

i guess i have thought more about all this in the last week than i have in a long time

do you ever have a dream that when you woke up it seemed real and it takes a while for that dream to fade away and the real world to finally return

friday night thats what happened to me
i had to get up early what i call dark thirty to help the crew set up the walk event

during my dream
which even now two days later seems more like not a dream but like it really happened

when i woke up from my sleep i was so worried i started doing memory tests on myself just to make sure i was ok

during my sleep dream i was working in the medical office seeing patients
but
during the dream i was confused
i couldnt remember what the patient was telling me
i couldnt remember how to work my computer
i couldnt remember how to take their symptoms and figure out what the diagnosis was
i couldnt remember how to order the labs and xrays on patients
i couldnt remember how and what medicines to order on my patients
my colleagues talked to me about my memory and told me i shouldnt be practicing medicine
about that time when they were confronting me
thats when i woke up

it all seemed so real
i will admit that thats why i quit practicing medicine when i did
i didnt ever want to reach that point

i will admit i was still bothered by the dream even after i was driving to the alzheimers walk
it all seemed even then to be real

now
nothing like this ever happened to me
i quit before this could have happened
something i vowed to do years ago once my mother and younger brother were diagnosed
i didnt hesitate at all when i quit

yes even this morning as i head to ucla for my second for sure infusion
it even now seems real like a true memory

now
before you feel sad for me and my memory
i really am doing well
knock on wood

i do all our financial stuff
i do all our financial planning
i do most of our shopping
i do all of our checkbooks
i do our taxes
i plan all of our vacations doing the reservations for airline tickets hotel and cars
i do this blog most days
i do my alzheimers talks when asked
i do my memory tests several times a year so i know how i am doing
i even can score my memory tests as i take thme
my memory probably is as good as many of you reading this

so
dont feel too sad for me
ive outlived several friends who left us since my diagnosis
i figured i would go before them

yes
as of right now i seem to be doing just fine

except
i must say that dream is way back in the back of my brain
reminding me
i really dont want to be like i was in my dream
ever

the organicgreen doctor