dethorned

DETHORNED
so there i stood looking in the mirror
a little blurry eyed on the right eye
with the hyphema in that eye
seeing also where the puncture occurred
there was some bleeding there
dripping down to the bottom of the eye
where i knew i wanted it to stay

what do i do now
i knew two things
if that hyphema gets worse i could be in trouble
in the future
if that thorn like a rose thorn carries some bad germs
they just got injected into my eye
staph pseudomonas fungus
all could lead to potential catastrophic events in that eye

sometimes i wish i didnt know as much as i do
about medicine
i might be better off

so here i am
30 miles away from health care
should i call my wife she at work
gotta get hold of the office
they have to walk down to her room
have her call me
then she would drive the 30 miles to home
then another 30 miles to medical care
that would take over an hour
i could already be treated and through by the time
all that time elapsed

so i went for option two
keep that right eye close and just drive one eyed to get care

now do i go to the er
having been an er doctor before
i knew they wouldnt do anything but call the ophthalmologist
who would want to see me in the office
so
i made the decision to go straight to the ophthalmologist

then i looked in the mirror
i looked like i had just did one of those mud runs
so i called the eye doctors office
put it on speaker
then jumped quickly in the shower
finished the shower i was squeaky clean now

now of course i got a recording
what happend to those human beings who use to answer the phones
in doctors office
it said
listen closely for our menu has changed
if you need an appointment push 1
if you have an emergency talk to us and we will help you
decide what to do
if you need a prescription push 2
if you are a doctor push 3
i almost did that the first time
push 3
but i didnt
i had pushed 1
mistake is what that was

so i went downstairs
found my keys
wondered outside to the car
listening to music on my iphone waiting for someone to answer
started driving
about 10 miles later
this person somewhere answered the phone
may i help you
i stuck a well i told her cactus since i thought
shes not going to know what a agave spine is
so i told her i stuck a cactus spine in my eye
but was able to remove it and needed to see my eye doctor
as she listened to my story
i think she sort of got squeamish
as she
suddenly said wait a second ill put you on hold
now im 15 miles out
then as she did that i heard that irritating sound
i just got disconnected

so
i redialed them again
ok so i wavered back and forth while i was one eyed driving
i know people thought
that guys either midday drunk
or he is texting
well i was one eyed texting which is worse

so dammit here came that message again
listen closely as our menu has changed
you can just imagine what word came out of my mouth
lets just say it wasnt words you would say in church
chose 1 to make an appointment
i didnt wait for her to tell me more
i punched 3
im a doctor right
well
then came this message
all or operators are busy please stay on the line for the next
available operator
well i thought
you must not have many of those

so
10 miles later i was still on hold
so
i hung up
started all over
redialed them
all our operators are busy
listen closely blah blah blah
i punched 1 this time
all our operators are busy please hold for the next available
i uttered those nonchurch words again and again
but i held on
all while driving erratically to the doctors office
then
lucky me
this operator not the same one
may i help you
yes
i stuck a agave no a cactus thorn in my eye
my eye is hanging out of my socket
its full of bloooooood
i can only see the floorboard with that eye
it keeps swinging around making me dizzy
well
i think that scared her a lot
she said wait let me put you on hold

ok i didnt really tell her that but i wanted to
i told her exactly what happened
but it scared her the same i think

so she put me on hold
click
those nonchurch words came out of my mouth again

i decided ill just show up at their front door
go in there
start wavering around like i have vertigo
scare the heck out of them
all while holding my right eye
bet i get quick service then

but
i didnt
i walked in holding my hand over my right eye
now a clean hand
i stuck a cactus thorn in my eye

have a seat well see you in just a minute
so they did

i will tell you the next day i brought in a thorn similar to
the one that jumped into my eye
as i took it out of my billfold and laid it on the counter
well
all i can say the first thing i thought was
they just acted like i placed a live rattling rattlesnake on
their counter
they all shrank back to the back of the office
leaving me alone with my thorn

tomorrow
my treatment
my thoughts on safety
my thoughts on just answer the nonchurch word phone

the organicgreen doctor