how it feels

HOW IT FEELS
last fall while at a walk to end alzheimers i met the
head of the department of dementia and aging
at texas state university

he invited me to talk at the luncheon at a demetia conference
the department was having later that week
i had a previous commitment for that day
but
i said i would be glad to do a presentation at a future event
so
i got a phone call from his office
talked to him and his assistant

would you do a talk at the luncheon during our dementia seminar
aging dementia and the family
todays the date

we want you to talk about how you feel about being diagnosed
with possible alzheimers

well lets see
it sucks when i sit down pause and think about it
but
i guess i cant say that today can i
well maybe i can

now i dont pause often and ponder this
i did think a lot about it when my older brother
oldest of 5 boys
was diagnosed recently with early alzheimers disease

and
of course i really think of it a lot at the birthday of my
younger brother
youngest of 5 boys
since he died a year or so in the final stages of the disease
a terrible last several months to the course of this disease
disturbing it is when i think about him
one he was my younger brother
two i felt like i was looking in a mirror when i saw him
or think of him even now
for
this will be my fate im afraid when my time comes
im just hoping ive pushed that time down the road some

it all started with my mother developing this disease
so insidious in its onset
then it became obvious to all
then it just got worse

then my dad probably had it but he was spared the
course of the disease as he died of a heart attack

so ive seen it up close
and
personal

it sucks

i also viewed alzheimers as a doctor
since i had a few patients with the disease
i just didnt do a good job of treating them
a do over would be good

then
personally
since i may have alzheimers disease
the symptoms have improved some since i got my
diagnosis
i guess thats why i dont think about it as much as i
use to
out of sight out of mind right

but
its there
its not going away
like someone with cancer in remission
you just keep waiting for the time when it raises its head
again

time will tell

i plan to talk about this today as ive mentioned above
then
i will let the audience ask me questions for the rest of
the allotted time
an audience of professional workers in memory centers
students in the dementia and aging department
professors
maybe some caregivers
they ask the best questions since they dont usually
get good answers to their questions

wish me luck today

the organicgreen doctor